A day ago, I heard that someone I know will be sent onshore to the client’s side. I can’t say I’m really happy, but I am 50% happy for that person. The other 50% is resentment and bitterness (not towards the person but to how my career shaped up in that company). I can tell myself I’m far better than that person and yet I am not given the chance to be sent onshore due to the project’s budgets constraints. I can blame the project all I want but at the end of the day, I have to think that it’s not the project, it’s not the company, it’s not me, it’s God.
I can’t blame God, instead I have to submit in His plans for me. I have to fully trust Him that my desires and dreams will be granted. Then this goes to a deeper reflection. Sometimes, I’ll ask myself, why can’t it be as simple as ‘God, I want to be sent to *insert country here*. Sometimes, I have to list a few questions like, ‘If I ask for this, will God be glorified? If God sends me to this, will He be glorified? In what ways I can glorify Him by going to that place?’. Most of the time, I try to tell myself that I have answers to these questions, but truth to be told, I don’t know if I will glorify the Lord if He sends me there. I’m still struggling with the idea of letting Christ shine through my life. And then there are questions that fill my mind like, ‘why are those people, who doesn’t even concern themselves with glorifying God, are granted of their dreams and wishes?’.
I know God has plans, and He will let me have His plans at His time. But what happens when my desires are not included in His plans? As any other human person will do, I’ll probably cry my heart out. I’ll probably ask Him a lot of things. But then again, who am I to question the Lord who knows my past and my future? If my desires are not in His plans, surely His directions will always be somewhere or something He knows I need. That those are what’s best for me.
Right now, I just really want to be freed from bitterness, from resentments and from regrets. I feel like in some days, I just want to give up on these dreams and just wait for whatever He gives me. That way, I won’t feel really bad if I don’t get anything. Like, I just want to stop expecting. But that defies my belief that God is the God of the impossible and He holds the world in His hands, right?
Again, at the end of the day, my faith should be able to see the impossible and know that God will not fail me. If it’s not about going abroad, then it must be something better.
Please pray for me.